Small Business News
June 2005 | Online Edition
Self Image, Confidence and
How To Make Lasting Changes in Your Life
By Suzanne J. Gelb, Ph.D., J.D., Psychologist
Recently, I gave a talk on “Making Changes” at the 4th Annual Amazing Women’s Conference in Honolulu. Because positive self-image, confidence and the ability to make lasting changes are essential for business success, I want to share with you the following notes from my talk, which apply to both men and women.
Many women try to change themselves to please others and to gain their approval. No matter how hard they try, they find they can ‘t control what others think of them. What they can change is learning to be pleased with themselves. Then a confident self-image replaces people pleasing.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What we think of ourselves colors how we perceive others; how others perceive us is filtered through their lens of self-perception. Lasting change occurs by looking within and learning to be self-loving.
We can try to change our appearance with make-up and clothing, but until we look within and change how we “see” ourselves, we will continue to look for approval from others.
Often, as a woman strives to improve her self-image, she confronts inhibiters: fear, guilt, and shame. If she can free herself of these inhibitors, then her confidence will blossom and she won’t be afraid to say, “No, “ or to express herself.
People cope with these inhibitors in various ways. Many try to cover up their fear, shame and guilt by becoming arrogant, demanding and argumentative. Others become meek and passive, allowing themselves to be taken advantage of. They tend to be overachievers, trying prove their worth. They have difficulty saying “No” and spread themselves thin.
I’m often asked, “How can I change and be free of negativity? “ I answer, “One approach is to reflect on the reasons why you may feel this way by saying, “I’m afraid because &. I’m ashamed because &. I feel guilty because &. “
This exercise helps people begin to understand why they feel how they do. The next step is to let go of the inhibitors by challenging them (“I will do “______”, even if it’s scary”)
A mirror is a good place to communicate with oneself because you can see the person you want to help with change. You (the one who is looking in the mirror) become the teacher who reassures the “you “ that you see in the mirror: “I will teach you to develop new attitudes and behaviors; I will teach you self-love and self-respect ; I will teach you to take pride in what you are capable of achieving; You will no longer fear what other people think about you.”
Respect Trumps Fear. People who fear others tend to relinquish their authority. Once self-confidence solidifies, fear dissolves. Change occurs when fear is replaced with self-respect. Self-respecting people feel equal to others. This paves the way for positive experiences.
Lasting change is a process that must be approached from within. We have the ability to reach within and resolve negativity by harnessing self-respect and confidence.
Dr. Gelb is a psychologist and an attorney in private practice in Honolulu, with a focus on family therapy and family law. For more information call her office at 943-2994 or visit http://www.DrGelbSays.com.
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